so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
