I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think a kid would responsible me up
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
