Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Found your dick twin last night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You are a genius and a whore.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
