I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
