I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
