Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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