Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
