You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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