i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize