oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
