The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
