Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
