someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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