I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
