Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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