I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize