You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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