my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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