This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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