I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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