our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize