Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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