The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
