yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
