Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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