our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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