My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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