New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
