Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
