Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I believe in your delicious
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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