I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
