Im at strip club and am horny
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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