Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
