i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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