Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize