he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
