real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
