no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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