i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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