and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize