I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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