so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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