I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
