i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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