Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
