We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
