This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
