Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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