I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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