WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
