I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
