pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
