I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
