I wish i was in the wii world.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
